Friday, July 22, 2011

When I'm Old I'll Be A Farmer

When I grow old and 'retire' I want a fiber farm.  Get some alpaca, sheep, and angora bunnies.  It would be awesome.  I could process the fiber and sell it wholesale or really pick up spinning.  It would be freaking awesome and cute and yeah.  Unfortunately, I am no good with farm animals.

Exhibit A:  I've been chased by a giant turkey and on a separate occasion a really mean goose.

The turkey was a maniac. It was basically a wild turkey although it lived in a pen in the backyard of some family friends.  I think I was about four when this happened.  We went over to their house and they asked if we wanted to see their turkey they were raising for Thanksgiving.  Of course I wanted to see a turkey alive.   I had only ever seen a Butterball before.

We went out to the backyard and we got in the pen.  Or at least they put me in it.  Or they let the turkey out.  I don't quite remember, I've pushed this memory to the back of my mind.  Anyway, the turkey and I were in the same area.  And it started moving towards me.  As it got closer I realized turkeys are ugly bastards.  It's eyes were crazy and it just kept moving faster towards me.  I ran.  I think my brother laughed at me.  I think we corralled the turkey back into its pen, but I was freaked.  I was reminded of this memory when we visited MH and saw my uncle's 'farm' in his backyard where he is keeping three turkeys.  I fucking hate turkeys now, but enjoy eating their delicious meat.

The goose isn't too uncommon.  All geese are dicks.  This one lived on my aunt Joy's farm.  It would follow me and honk.  I'm sure it was mocking six year old me.  Jerk.  It would also try to come up and bite people.  I have no idea why she kept that thing around.

Exhibit B:  A horse tried to eat me once.

This also happened at Joy's farm.  She was out of town and asked my dad to feed her animals.  This included a pig pen, two horses, a donkey, multiple dogs, and probably water fowl.  The horses were in separate fields because I think the female was pregnant and was being kept in the barn, while the male horse, Red, was in the big field.  My dad was feeding the animals in the barn and sent my brother and me to feed Red.

Red was a big horse.  He was typically mean, but not violent.  We walked up to the corner of the fence where we usually put out his food.  He saw us and knew he was getting some damn food.  I decided to stand by the fence to pet him and watch him eat.  Red saw my dirty blonde hair and saw it as a delicious hay snack.  Next thing I know there is a horse trying to eat my hair.  I'm crying, screaming at my brother that this horse is trying to eat me.

My brother runs away.  I panic more because now I'm alone, feeling the large teeth of a horse rub against my head.  My cowardly brother returns with my dad who gets me away from the killer horse.  So yeah, not a big fan of horses anymore.

My future of a fiber farm might be a little dangerous, but at least I can stop wearing tuxes after 6 p.m.

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